Why broken marriages are in increase among Catholics?

Why broken marriages are in increase among Catholics?
How can the Church help for sustained marriage –bond?

THE SACRAMENT OF MATRIMONY

Catechism of the Catholic Church in article 1601 says “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament."

Marriage in god's plan
Sacred Scripture begins with the creation of man and woman in the image and likeness of God and concludes with a vision of "the wedding-feast of the Lamb." Scripture speaks throughout of marriage and its "mystery," its institution and the meaning God has given it, its origin and its end, its various realizations throughout the history of salvation, the difficulties arising from sin and its renewal "in the Lord" in the New Covenant of Christ and the Church.

Marriage in the order of creation
The intimate community of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws. God himself is the author of marriage. The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator. Marriage is not a purely human institution despite the many variations it may have undergone through the centuries in different cultures, social structures, and spiritual attitudes. These differences should not cause us to forget its common and permanent characteristics. Although the dignity of this institution is not transparent everywhere with the same clarity, some sense of the greatness of the matrimonial union exists in all cultures. "The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life."
God who created man out of love also calls him to love the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. For man is created in the image and likeness of God who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man. It is good, very good, in the Creator's eyes. And this love which God blesses is intended to be fruitful and to be realized in the common work of watching over creation: "And God blessed them, and God said to them: 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.’ ”
Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: "It is not good that the man should be alone." The woman, "flesh of his flesh," his equal, his nearest in all things, is given to him by God as a "helpmate"; she thus represents God from whom comes our help. "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh." The Lord himself shows that this signifies an unbreakable union of their two lives by recalling what the plan of the Creator had been "in the beginning": "So they are no longer two, but one flesh."

Why broken marriages are in increase among Catholics?
Why do marriages break down?
The personal, family and community consequences and costs of high rates of marriage breakdown and divorce have focused national attention on developing policies and strategies to prevent family breakdown. Among the most frequently asked questions are: Why do marriages break down? What are the reasons for divorce? How can marriage and family relationships be strengthened?

Perceived main reason for divorce

Parishioners in my Project were asked, what would you say were the main reasons for the marriage ending in our community? For simplicity of discussion, the majority of responses have been grouped under three major dimensions. The categories are: 'affective reasons', 'abusive behaviours' and 'external pressures'. Additional responses have been coded in a category called 'other'.

Affective reasons
Marriage ending centred on the affective qualities of the relationship including communication problems and incompatibility/drifting apart. Communication problems was the most commonly cited. Only a small proportion specifically mentioned sexual incompatibility as a main reason for divorce. As with incompatibility or drifting apart, communication problems can be either a short-hand or a global attempt to verbalise an array of situations connected with emotional erosion in the relationship - not being understood, feeling that needs are not being met, loss of affection and companionship, feeling lonely and unappreciated. Such reasons are likely to be symptoms of problems with deeper psychological or social roots.

Infidelity

While often categorized separately infidelity, often connotes deterioration in the affective and emotional realm of the marriage associated with loss of love, betrayal of trust, indifference are growing apart. Infidelity was perceived as the main provocation for divorce, for the majority, it was a spouse's infidelity that was the precipitating factor.

Abusive behaviours and personality traits

A range of personality characteristics and behaviours attributed to oneself or, more frequently, one's spouse, have been mentioned as reasons for marriage breakdown. Often included in this category are alcohol and drug use problems, jealousy, dominance, immaturity, gambling, physical and emotional violence, and mental illness

Alcohol and drug abuse
Many people reported alcohol or drug abuse of the men as the main reason for divorce. Wives are more likely than husbands to nominate negative personality traits of their spouse including alcohol and drug use and emotional and physical abuse.

Physical, verbal and emotional violence to self or children

So many reported that physical violence was the main reason for marriage breakdown, sometimes physical danger to a child was the reason.

Verbal and emotional abuse was cited as a main reason by some respondents - in the main, women. The presence of physical violence or emotional abuse may not be alluded to as the main reason for divorce. Marital therapists report that between 40 to 60 per cent of couples seeking marital therapy have experienced episodes of violence in their relationship although only between 6 and 10 per cent of people spontaneously mention violence as an issue.

External pressures

Factors outside the interpersonal relationship may impose on the relationship generating stress leading to marriage breakdown.

Mental and physical health

Physical illness and mental health problems have often been incorporated within the category of external pressures. Many men and women reported physical or mental health as the main reason the marriage ended. It is not possible to determine whether, in some cases, respondents would have included alcohol and drug use, or some forms of emotional abuse, as a mental health reason. Physical and mental illness can increase stress in relationships and lower marital satisfaction. Poor health can strain finances, affect sexual relations, and create tensions around caring and the division of labour - leading to diminished marital satisfaction. Illness can also bring couples closer together, depending on the nature of the illness, supports available and levels of marital cohesion. Depression and other mental health illnesses appear to have a greater impact on marital satisfaction than many physical illnesses.

Financial problems
Some people claimed financial problems as the main cause of their marriage ending. It is also possible that couples may not recognise that concerns about income or insecure employment may underline some of the stresses and tensions in the relationship that contributed to its breakdown. Financial hardship can increase isolation, emotional stress, depression and lower self-esteem, which, in turn, can generate or exacerbate marital tensions. Marriage counselling and family support agencies have suggested that financial strains have a negative impact on relationships and family life.

Work
Despite recent attention to increased pressures and hours of work in a competitive economic climate, and the effect on families attempting to balance work and family life, work issues and work and family time were cited by some as the primary reason for divorce. Work-related demands and pressures that generate tension and stress may go unrecognised. However, they can spill over into family life in the form of lack of time, emotional and physical energy to invest in the partnership and children which can lead to marital conflict and dissatisfaction. Not only divorce but suicide incidents are on the increase even in the state of Kerala. 13 people between the age of 24 – 30 died (suicided) in the Technopark Trivandrum, for the last 6 months.
In-laws
Interference from in-laws as a main reason was mentioned by few. Some of the marriage related cases in the courts are directly related with Mother-in-law or father-in-law issues. Pressure from in-laws for more shares from the bride’s side is a common reason for divorce case in India and especially in Kerala.

Other reasons
Although the intensive years of child caring has been associated with a decrease in marital satisfaction some mentioned problems with children as the main reason for the ending of the marriage. Several respondent comments referred to a partner's attitude to children as the cause. It is possible that concerns about parenting values and disagreements about raising children were subsumed in responses of communication, incompatibility or spousal personality issues.

The influence of some free culture related ideologies and philosophies are wide spread now. The ultimate importance of self happiness and maximum achievement motivations are erasing the idea of suffering and the pain in the catholic community.

Mixed marriages are on increase now. As per the statistics mixed marriages are found failure among Kerala Catholics, or when the time of their children’s marriage it is very hard to find the suitable partner.







How can the Church help for sustained marriage –bond?
How can marriage and family relationships be strengthened?
It is becoming more and more common to hear about young couples, some with young children, getting divorced after one or two years of married life. Let’s check the story of Sheeja.

Sheeja believes she was too young when her father decided to get her engaged to his friend’s son, who was 21 and who she only saw once. “I was only 18 and I thought being good-looking and being from a rich family was enough to make a happy marriage,” she said.

Sheeja said she did not have time to think about the marriage. Everything was prepared for her, including her wedding gown, the guests’ list and the wedding party. In fact, she did not mind and was happy at being the first to get married from among her female cousins and friends. “During the first two or three months we were living happily. It felt like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn’t know what was coming until I became pregnant. I felt that my husband was far away from me. He also began shying away from the responsibility of being a dad after I gave birth and started staying out for long hours with his friends,” she said. She added that they began fighting, as her husband was not helping her look after the baby and, being unable to cope and inexperienced, she had to get her mother to help.

A few months later the couples were divorced and Sheeja came to live with her parents. “I was wrong to get pregnant two months after getting married. I didn’t know him well and maybe I would’ve fixed my life without divorcing if I were more mature, older and understood his fears. I learned that being able to build a house does not mean being able to build a family and home,” she added.

“Children are the victims of divorces. Some couples get divorced when the wife is pregnant and children are born to find their parents separated or divorced”.

What all things could have avoided:
• Some people are careless when getting married.
• Children are brought up to do what parents feel is best and when they get married then they find it difficult to make their own decisions.
• “Parents also play negative roles in advising their children. Fathers tell their married daughters to leave their husbands when marriages become rocky. They tell them they’re welcome to stay at their house, while husbands are told by their dads that they’re allowed to divorce and at liberty to marry 10 other women”.
• The television has negatively affected the way girls think. “Women can become displeased with their life and marriage by watching television. A husband can also become unsatisfied with his wife’s looks after he continuously sees other women on television”.
• It is the women and children that end up suffering when couples get divorced
• People need to think beyond the wedding gown and wedding party.

Recommendations from My Study

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• Marriage preparation course should be compulsory for all.
• Basic knowledge related to sex and child caring should be properly included in the curriculum.
• Parents should give proper guidance for their grown up children for the healthy and positive relations with the opposite sex friends.
• Parents should lead a good married life so that it may become the role model for their children.
• The system of dowery should be banned by law. The Church authorities should give proper guidance to both parties to avoid it.
• Proper interpersonal communication should be there between the bride and bridegroom before the marriage.
• Mutual understanding on many factors is a must for a happy married life.
• Psychological needs of each should be satisfied by both. Emotional care should be there in marital life.
• Sexual morality should be taught to all and it should be properly introduced from the adolescent time.
• The use of TV and internet should be guided. Perverted ideas of sexual pleasures are presented by many channels and websites. Some may try to experiment such things on their companion which may lead to family breakdown.
• Marriage counseling centers should be opened in possible locations in a diocese and it should be available 24/365 days via new communication methods.